Just don't know what to do with myself

So many things in my head right now, so many decisions to take, everything so confusing and simply tired of thinking. Things haven't being good lately, not bad though, but just hard. I wish things get easier with the pass of time, but they don't, and of course I'm aware that the real value are in the things that demand effort.

On a previous post Ívan and D commented regarding restlessness, but in case this seems like it, well it's not. I just reached a critic point in my life here, far from my hometown, family and friends. Important for my future, personal, emotional and professionally speaking. Not easy at all! Even when I'm expecting a clue that guides me to the better decision, or someone who can tell me what to do, I know the final word lies in me and me only. But still don't know what the fuck to do...should I stay or should I go? (I just realised I already used 2 different rock songs titles in this post, jeje).

I think things could be easier if at least one aspect of my life were stable, I'm working on it to stay balance but is not as easy as write it down. My job...well I don't even know if I will have a job by the end of this month and that simple doubt unleash so many options, problems and alternatives that I have to consider, and lead me to my present situation and confusion and the main reason of this post. Is like a puzzle where you can't miss one piece, otherwise it will be incomplete. My profession is fine, but another decision involving it, comes with all the previous "job detail", but definitely I don't want to go deeper on this, will be boring and useless.

Emotionally speaking, well, this is complicated. I'm starting to hate the sound of the word "commitment", everyone around me is using it, in one way or another, I just want that word to disappear, not because I'm afraid of it, is just that I don't know what to expect, and being aware of my situation in the whole picture doesn't make it easier. And of course I can't help keep asking me, how long would it take for him? Forever? Don't want to push or force anything, that's not the way things work, and definitely not now, not for me or anyone else... I guess. I just wish I could have someone tu hug every day and someone to support me in bad times, like this one. Someone I can lean on, and feeling -with the simple sound of his voice- that everything is going to be just fine. Is that too much to ask for?

I still have myself, which is the most important, and definitely is what keep my strenght intact, what helps me go through without giving up, quit, hide or run, but facing it despite of what my mind sometimes tells me. I don't want to go, I feel I still have things to do here, but I can't deny sometimes I think going back would be the most reasonable, consistant and sensible decision. But there are some other reasons that convince me of the opposite. In conclusion, I just don't know what to do with myself, al least not right now, which reminds me what I used to say in this kind of situations: If I don't know what to do, then I shouldn't do anything. Things will flow naturally...hopefully, we'll see. For now, the message is: HOLD ON!